There’s No Place Like Home

The last time I was home was six weeks ago.

It didn’t go well.

I was stressed and anxious the whole time. I regretted coming home and I made my family stressed and bummed. I felt fearful and uneasy. I wanted to go back to the hospital. So, we left earlier than expected on Sunday afternoon.

As we were driving back to the hospital, I felt relief. We couldn’t get there fast enough. I was going home to a comfy place where I could rest; a place I felt safe.

This experience left me feeling disappointed and scared.

  • I was disappointed with myself for not being well yet. (what ridiculous expectations after only a week in hospital)
  • I was disappointed in my family for not making it easier for me. (again expectations…and what are they, mind readers?)
  • I was disappointed in the universe for making this situation. (this one still seems valid tho…)

Fear and Self-Loathing
  • Í was truly scared that I’d never want to go home again. (this seems stupid, but I felt it for real)
  • I was also scared that my family, my cats and my garden would somehow disappear whilst I was in hospital. (again, stupid…but my brain wasn’t too interested in facts)
  • I hated the fact that I couldn’t cope with anything without pills.
  • I hated that I couldn’t do anything but be on my hospital bed.
  • I hated how tired I was from everything, even getting dressed or having to wash my hair.
  • I was overwhelmed by everything. (I felt weak and stupid, groggy and dumb and old and out of breath)

Hope was fading…

Home Again

I started a new medicine about two and a half weeks ago. This is a strong anti-depressant, an old one and not prescribed too often. It packs a punch and isn’t for the faint of heart. I was knocked out for two weeks with bad side effects and was constantly in the doctor’s office asking if I could stop taking it. But, he encouraged me to hang in there for a little while longer. My anxiety began to subside last week, as did the side effects.

As an experiment, my doctor allowed me to go home for two days over the Easter holiday. I was excited, but nervous. I hoped I would see some improvement, yet scared that I would be disappointed in the outcome.

Armed with new meds, no anxiety for two days in a row and feeling better from two weeks of hell, I greeted my waiting husband with a huge hug. I was actually eager to go home!

The weekend was magic! I enjoyed a trip to the garden center for plants and seeds, time organising my workshop, watching movies with my youngest daughter, cuddling my cats (who seemed to have missed me!), and digging in my garden. My husband and I went out searching for violets and pussy willows and I did some spring decorating.

I was really bummed to have to go back on to the hospital on Sunday. I almost cried, then I realised that such a change had happened. It was something to celebrate!

Now the difficult work begins. I am by no means well. I haven’t been cured by this new medecine. What has happened is, if the medecine holds, I have been given a space in time without anxiety ruling all that I think about and do. This space allows for me to actually work on the root issues so that I can find healing.

So, now therapy begins. This step is the long haul and could potentially take years.

But, I want to go home. That is miraculous.

One Comment on “There’s No Place Like Home

  1. YESSSSS! Little by little! Little by little… It’s amazing how quickly our health gets shaken and damaged, how buildings get destroyed, how things fall apart and how loooong it seems for us to take to heal, to become whole again; to build, to create… But it will come! May each morn/day/week/month be better than its eve/yesterday… Keeping you in my prayers and loving thoughts, dear Krista 🙏💗🌹


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